Sorry for not writing for a number of years but, you know, you don’t exist and I grew a little jaded as I got older and then cynicism set in and it was all downhill from there. I know this letter will seem a little out of the blue but a friend off of the twitter (and in real life) Jon wanted me to write a different set of blog posts for each set of five days in December. I don’t want you to feel you’re filler on a day when I wasn’t too sure what to write as I don’t wish to belittle all the hard work you put in on Christmas Eve and throughout the year with your Elves.
There’s a few things I’ve been wondering, Santa and I hope you don’t mind me asking.
A) Has Mrs Claus read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy? It seems almost every female I know has read these awful, dangerous books and I was wondering if Mrs Claus had added the book to her e-reader? If she has may I suggest the following three books to add a little balance to her reading choices:
1) The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir
2) Intercourse by Andrea Dworkin
3) How to be a woman by Caitlin Moran
B) Santa, I got to wondering about your Elves. Did you and Willy Wonka conspire together to ensure that the Ooompa-Loompas and the Elves couldn’t club together and form a union? Given you appear to have a massive monopoly over Christmas and Willy Wonka all but has the chocolate industry sewn up it seems a little unfair that you’re both crushing the spirits of your workers. Allow them to set up a union, people work better when they can be themselves. You don’t get onto your sleigh without insurance cover so why do you expect your workers to step into the workplace without the addition support and cover that a union offers?
C) Santa, I’m getting really bored of seeing gendered toys for children. When I was growing up I played with lego (my brother had a huge box under his bed) and with dolls (my sister had a Barbie dream apartment with functioning lift, convertible car and detachable horse box) and I’ve turned out fine. Sure, I’m a little bit of a lefty politically but none of that can be linked to the toys I played with as a child. (My lefty politics grew out of my basic humanity and desire to see the state give everyone a fair chance not just those that can afford to buy it. Plus my lefty politics grew out of my faith, Santa, I don’t think we’ll see Jesus strip mining areas of outstanding beauty or bombing little towns of foreigners despite what George W Bush and Sarah Palin might tell you.) So Santa, knock off giving tool sets, footballs and trucks to boys and cookery sets, dolls and hair care gifts to girls and just give toys to kids. (It means your lists will only have to be Naughty and Nice rather than Naughty/Nice Boys and Naughty/Nice Girls)
D) I was wondering what you’d like me to leave out on Christmas Eve? All those mince pies and weeny glasses of sherry must be nice for about three houses and then I’m really surprised you don’t start smashing up houses with rage at the sight of a mince pie. How do you deal with your unacknowledged rage, Santa? Who do you talk to?
I trust this letter finds you well and that you’re not too rushed off your feet this Christmas. It feels a little strange writing to you again but it’s a nice strange.
Best wishes and Christmas Cheer,
Ben Whitehouse. (Aged nearly 34)
(Footnote: this letter to Santa nearly came out very differently. I was thinking about the letters written by the characters in J-Pod by Douglas Coupland.)